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Checking in while mom checks out

Momma with some of her grand-babies on Thanksgiving!

I haven't written a blog in a while because I've been busy with my family - my husband and son were home during the holidays so needless to say, I had a lot of extra help which made things more pleasant.  We had a really nice holiday - I hosted Thanksgiving so I had all of my family over, mom loved it, but she mainly loved the food and desserts (not even joking lol).  Mom's provider is still coming on a regular basis, 5 days a week, 4 hours a day which is a big help; we are so grateful for her!

Another reason why I haven't blogged is because it's difficult for me to express my emotions, I know sometimes as you're reading it seems effortless, but it really does take a lot out of me emotionally to express some of the day to day things I go through as my mom's caregiver.  This task isn't an easy one, but almost this exact time last year is the time where I resigned from my position at work to stay home and care for mom full time.

Mom has been living with us for 3 years, but this past year is the year I have completely dedicated my time and energy assisting her.  Mom has Vascular Dementia as many of you already know and there are good and bad days.  There are ups and downs, highs and lows, but it seems where there are lows, they are pretty deep and it's tough reaching for sun rays when you're buried deep into an unknown chasm...yet possible. I know this, I know anything is possible and that is the sort of thing that keeps me going, I don't have to constantly tell myself I'm doing the right thing, but sometimes I do need that reassurance from myself and from the people around me. I know mom is better off here in our hands, but it's rare for her to know and realize that 1. she's sick 2. she's living with us because she needs caring for.  I'm not sure if she's oblivious to it, or she'd rather not face it.  Must be hard for her to know she's in a mental state she can't leave...almost like jail in a way, I don't want her feeling like that, but because of this disease it's inevitable at times.

Speaking of jail...
This week there were a couple days where mom did not know where she was. Handling situations like this is very difficult, but more overly it's acting as if nothing wrong or different is going on, I can't respond to her vision of what is real, I just have to keep on living my own reality.  You have to realize that this puts a strain on my sanity because I'm balancing mom's reality and my own reality.  In mom's reality she was a prisoner being held against her will and I wasn't her daughter - in my reality, I'm cooking dinner for my family, doing laundry and daily day to day duties...I'm acknowledging her without playing too deep into her mental state and I'm also drawing a line between her episodes and what is real.

Today hasn't been that much better, she keeps approaching me looking for an argument, even calling me stupid.  I made mom a big breakfast hoping to take her mind off things (temporary fix). She continued her argumentative stance insisting that I'm planning on dropping her off in the woods, thankfully she went down for a nap - that brain needs some rest.

This is my life and I choose to continue facing it because it's my life and the good outweighs the bad