Things get tough

When I change mom, I squat down quite a bit, I also do this when I take her to the restroom- it's hard on my back...I do this 6-8 times a day, but because of yoga, my body has become stronger, but as I'm pulling mom's underwear up, and sitting her down so I can put her socks on, she bends over with her arms wide open to hug me, so I stand up and let her hug me, and I hug her back. I laugh and say...why are you hugging me, and she keeps hugging me, then says "God Bless You" so I say thanks mom, you too - then she stops hugging me and asks "oh, where is God" and I laugh, and say well, I think he's in your heart and she tells me, I guess I believe that. (but in a very slow, quiet shaky voice I have to strain to hear).


So mom has been suffering worse with her incontinence and although I take her to a restroom break every hour. Today, just 30 min after she used the restroom, she peed on herself.  Not only did mom pee on herself, but she took her pants off to pee on the floor in her room.  I actually slipped on the urine as I went into her room to help her - thank god for the swifter wet wipes....I am literally stocked up on them because you never know when an accident can occur!  Lucky for me, our provider does all the cleaning in our home, so I manage to find the energy to clean up after mom's accidents, although it can get very old and very annoying. I have my good days, I have my bad days just like everyone else.
I've been dodging the fact that mom needs to wearing a protective pad, or adult diaper throughout the day, but I think it's so uncomfortable that I'm trying to avoid it as much as I can. Because mom has been peeing more often, I put a pad on her at 5 pm, but still take her to restroom breaks, using this as a backup, and it has worked.

Ok, so aside from that, I've been reading a lot more lately on caregivers and those who care for their  parents.  I've come to know and realize that through statistics, over 80% of caregivers do it alone,  meaning they get no relief from other family members except for maybe the occasional 2 hours a month if they (we) are lucky.  Lucky for me, with my own hard work and research, I qualified for a provider who has been with us a little over a year - I am so grateful to her, she really comes through when I need her, and sometimes swaps hours when I (we have something to do).  I work with her schedule, and she works with mine. Funny how a stranger can turn into someone you value and count on daily.

So it's been 4 years since mom has lived with us here at home, and it's been almost 2 years since I've quit my job to stay home with mom full time to care for her.  A lot, and I mean A LOT has changed in those 4 years. If you could walk in my shoes and see things through my eyes - living with my mom, living with this disease day to day, hour to hour, not trying to count the minutes, but taking it 1 day at a time just to survive the strain it places on the caregiver (me) and my family.  I'm amazed at how resilient we have become, and amazed that it has worked as long as it has - no one  has fallen apart, and this is because of the tremendous support I receive on a daily basis from my husband.  He helps talk me through moments where I want to give up - or moments where I'm crying and not knowing why. I can't imagine doing any of this on my own without him.


Things get tough, things get emotional and life waits for no one. Mom still has life left in her - so she deserves whatever I have left to give when I can.

Tired

There's a never ending price that comes with taking care of a parent with Dementia. I was sick for 4 days with high fever, swelling, headaches and I'm mentally/physically exhausted. I'm angry, and I'm hurt, and I want to give up because I'm doing this alone and I have so much resent that's coming to the surface. I've realized that you can count on NO ONE and that NO ONE will ever be there for you.

I'm tired. Nothing more to say.