Hello,
Just stopping in for a quick update. Just because I'm not writing or updating doesn't mean there's nothing going on. There is always something going on - we are constant; we don't stop even while asleep. Our minds are always working, our hearts are always feeling and our souls are always searching, at least it is from my perspective.
Just like our bodies and minds are constant, so is mom. Mom is constant; she might not be predictable, but she's always going, even when it appears that she isn't, mom is going through different cycles and changes and can never quite adapt to a "normal" schedule and if she can't adapt to a schedule, that means I can't either, so needless to say - I'm ever-changing.
Here's the thing with me...I expect the unexpected. I expect the most outlandish circumstances and behavior patterns when it comes to mom so I'm never all that surprised. I'm very adaptable - I'm like a chameleon, interchangeable. It's not chaotic, it's subtle. As much change mom goes through, she's also subtle and she's the least dramatic person I know. Mom doesn't cause scenes, mom doesn't speak out of place, mom doesn't interrupt, mom doesn't get involved when it doesn't involve her; mom is quiet. Mom is a simple person, mom has never been into jewels, name brand bags, shoes, cars, etc. Mom lived a simple life and did what she enjoyed and kept to herself except when she didn't.
Mom's personality is sheltered, quiet. I was never close to my mom, and I don't feel I've learned much from my mom at this point in my life - maybe I have, but can't see it; I don't know. I think not knowing mom so well has me making up for lost time by taking care of mom and learning from her, not from her as a person, but from her situation. Not being close to my mom growing up hasn't stopped me from caring and loving her - it has actually made me curious to the type of person mom was. I never really knew my mom. I can say things that mom liked. Mom used to love Captain and Tenile, Linda Ronstandt, Dolly Pardon, she loved Olivia Newton John, mom loved fairy tales, mom love poems and rhyme, mom loved The Wizard of Oz, mom loved Gone with the Wind and mom loved Jane Fonda - because of Jane Fonda, my mom grew to love aerobics and exercise then later running - she loved it with a passion, she even started running races and getting 1st in her age division time and time again - she built walls of trophies. Mom ran marathons - mom participated in triathalons. Mom did all these things, but not with me and not for me. Mom did these things for herself; they were her escape and I respect that, but unfortunately I can't relate.
In mom's situation right now, I can see some things in mom I never did...I see weakness, fear, I see mom become annoyed, I see her anger, her pain...I see her sadness. I see all these seemingly "weak" traits, but have to tell myself that this isn't mom - it's her disorder, her dementia. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish because I never really truly knew mom. Maybe we never really do know one another - we only know how that person can make up feel, and know what we see.
Here is a good thing: I see a funny side to mom. I see mom's sense of humor and I can joke with her because I know she enjoys laughing. Sometimes she can't figure out when I'm joking because of her condition, but the times when she's able to are fun times. Mom also has an extended vocabulary. She enjoys using her words which is a little sad to me, because she is constantly searching for words and they sometimes don't make it out of her.
All of this said and done - I have to say that this journey has been an interesting, soul searching
