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| Momma witch - Halloween 2014 |
I've never in my life have strived to be normal, or to be like anyone else, and I still don't, but I do? I know, I know...I probably don't make sense to you, but to me it makes perfect sense.
Maybe normal to me, is having a sense of freedom - I miss it so much. I miss hanging out with friends, going out, going to art shows, going to concerts, weddings, parties, gatherings, bbq's, and I especially miss the time spent with my husband and son together as a family, doing family things, having outings and celebratory dinners like birthdays! Sad...I miss it all. I admit, I miss social gatherings.
My life for the past 2 years has been pretty vacant, and my social calendar has diminished...my date life...what is that? My normal life, my life to what I saw as normal has slowly diminished.
This weekend (was) (is) Halloween weekend, and no, I didn't do anything fancy, or go to any special party, but I made the most of it. I'm having a great weekend, I feel normal. I laughed, I smiled...I felt a little freedom, I felt like a grown up for a little while, I felt pretty, and I felt loved.
I had friends, and family over, just a small gathering on Halloween night, and I felt genuinely happy because I felt safe and comforted. We carved pumpkins, popped popcorn and just enjoyed each others company....that made me feel normal.
Today, I went to visit a friend and her daughter at a festival, I ate junk food, painted my face and did some shopping...I saw some friends I hadn't seen in years! And it made me feel normal. What is normal? Normal,is a safe, comfortable place that people with insanely "normal" lives take for granted. People live normal lives, they live safe lives....taking no chances.
Right when I got home, I went to my mother's room to take her to the restroom...my mother had peed on herself, and was having trouble passing fecal matter...I had to wipe my mother's privates, I did. Afterwards I made her a snack and gave her a piece of candy I bought from the festival. She was happy. My normal day had come to a stop.
I am not normal. I take risks. I take chances. I took the biggest risk of my life, I quit my job 2 years ago to care for my mother who has had Dementia for the past 4 years. I took a chance on my life, on my family...I took this chance and I am winning this battle, although my mother is declining - I am helping improve her quality of life...I'm doing this on my own with the help of my husband who has made sacrifice after sacrifice, with the help of my son who has done the same thing - made sacrifices. Sacrificed normality, the feeling of safeness...this is a difficult thing. I am eternally grateful to them.
Normal is overrated. Normal will always be there...I think I'm better off this way, but it's nice to visit once in a while.
