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| Mom and I almost 2 yrs. ago |
A lot has happened over the course of these past few months. My mother has been experiencing a cognitive decline, but not just that, she has declined in almost every way you can possibly think.
We stopped seeing her doctor because there is no more care that she can receive, her Dementia is at a very fragile state.
In November, my mother took a fall and fractured her left hip. It was a nightmare. She couldn't walk. My mother was in pain, my frail, innocent mother was in a tremendous amount of pain, and this fall caused a domino effect on her health, and well being. Everything is different, the way she eats, sits, moves, it's all different, but over the course of 4-5 weeks, mom was starting to walk. Starting to heal. A new beginning? I hoped.
My brother was visiting and he ended up staying with me after mom fell, he was a big help as mom couldn't move around on her own...he was a big help in so many ways. I was so grateful, but alas he had to go, and I secretly pray he comes back! The help was wonderful to have, I was on a break because he took over, he made meals, fed mom, fed her, it was awesome. (Please come back! You were a blessing!) And my life felt sorta normal for a month.
Ok, so a week after my brother left, the worst thing happened...my provider left my mother unattended on the sofa while she was in a different room. My mother apparently got up from the sofa on her own, and took yet another fall, this fall was much worse, it is so painful as she was still healing from her first fall. This fall could have been prevented, she should have never been left alone! I don't know what my provider was thinking, I was furious. Mom was, and still is in a huge amount of pain. Mom fractured her arm. Mom spent 8 days in a hospice following her fall, so we are both exhausted. Mom is home now, it's been a few days, and it's not good because she's in pain, and can't move, she's bed ridden, and now she is having issues with her hip, it's so painful. Mom has to be bathed, changed, and fed in bed...she's bed ridden, and has a pretty bad bed sore on her back side. I feel so bad for mom. No one should be in this amount of pain, I hate seeing mom like this, it's heartbreaking and I've cried everyday. Since mom has been sent back home I've cried in my bedroom, the shower, and in my car, I don't know how to handle this, I pull myself together just to go through it again the next day, it's the worst thing...she's so helpless, and I feel so helpless, yet I know I am strong because I get up every morning to face it, and do it again, and I make sure to shower, and to eat, and to cook dinner for my family...I'm ripped apart, but put together, I'm a million broken pieces glued into one. I'm strong, held together by glue that is my family, and her rare smile that keeps me bound.
There is so much to write about, so much to say, but I can't translate my deep set pain into words. I feel as if I'm hovering myself, looking down, watching us (me and mom, or mom, and I) go through this, it's exhausting, and everything gets me mad, and confused because I'm watching my mother wither, I'm taking an hour to feed her for each meal because mom no longer opens her mouth at will to eat the same way in which she use to, she has been set back. Changing her diaper is a nightmare, but I'm awake and hearing her gasp in pain. My back is breaking, I'm crumbling, but still standing...it's all real. I'm tired she's tired, she's in pain. Please God take my moms pain away!
I know from reading, and from talking to doctors that It's rare that a woman at my age is caring for her mother (at 68 now) who is slowly declining, but really not slowly at all...rapidly. It's all so fast, I live my life on a ff button, it's not a slow process, it's quick, too quick to digest, too quick to set in, one problem occurs and another issue is developing, my mother is in pain.
Mom has lived with me for 4-years. It's all a blur of shared experiences and moments. I'm a changed person. I don't look at lives, and examine them, I don't judge them, and am not moved by them...I can't help it, I'm shelled up and only feel what mom feels, only care about taking away her pain. Your facebook post matters nothing to me, what you are eating, I can care less about, your Xmas gifts...who cares? Your supposed artistry, your supposed fear, anxiety, helplessness..its a joke to me, it's all fake, a facade...it's not real, none of it, and I'm not sure why. What is real? I only see pain as real...fear and dying as real, living and happiness come with a price. The only thing that is real to me are the people I love, and facing death, facing pain everyday of my life, dealing with it, and seeing light from a different spectrum, as if I've gone through this before and know what to expect. It's vivid, but blurred. I'm awake, but only see what makes me feel. I am moved, but only by love and pain. I feel pain, but only if it's deep. I'm sorry, but don't know why. I am in agony as I sit by my mother's bedside with a huge smile on my face.
