Overcoming things

It seems as if I completely stopped writing, however I really haven't, a lot of my blog posts I've saved as drafts because they are so personal, even I don't know who wrote them when looking back.

You see, I had a really nice summer, I spent time with my husband, and spent time realizing that I was me all along! I was lost for a year, hidden in a dark place where it was hard to see me. I caved myself in, alone and distraught, abandoned and afraid.
I got sick you see, felt sick and got sick because of some things that are so hard to say out loud, but as adults we can all read between the lines and come to our own variable. I really can't come out and just say it because I'm still a work in progress and am on the helping side of this horrible disease called depression.

You know, it's a rough word for me because it was a tough place for me. I never thought, and who would have, that is be facing this wanting to overcome and get through it. Well, who'd of thunk it?
You see me this way, but I'm not this way, I'm THAT way. Just like you....a person very much alive with many vivid thoughts and wonderful ideas, a person who questions every single thing that faces me, it's just me.

I was lost in darkness with a pillow over my head nursing my mother, afraid to see her dead one day laying in bedsheets and Linda Ronstandt on the radio.  Now I face it, I might wake to find her dead, and that's life...dead if still alive, in a place inside my heart.  I was in darkness but now it's not an option to stay there, I can rise and I can look at myself in the mirror, this can be me, this IS me. I can like who I am and face all of my pain I've ever felt, even as a child, I can get through this very, very real thing.  I can talk to people, look at people, see them as people, not all idiots, not all selfish, not all self centered, I can still see these people as who they are, or  who they tell the world they are, I can still like you although, where are you?

Let me say this, without my husband I'd be lost, undoubtedly unable to communicate my feelings or what prays inside me, he's the real driving force in this, in all I've been through, no one will ever know, not even really him, but he will know the best out of anyone. This hurt I've been through is quite lovely because I see what this world wants me to see.  I've been through every single stage of this disease with my mother, I've gone through it, seen death beguiled, seen sickness and broken bones, utter sadness and deep deep confusion, dirty diapers and helplessness. Life is death backwards, still all knowing, or just forgetting....it can be both when it's dementia..,a whirl wind of life, a shattered time capsule.

I'm blessed because the world wants me, it makes me hers and wraps itself within me, the universe prays with me, and steadies my mind, strengthens my soul, gives me life and tells me I'm so beautiful.

I'm so beautiful.

Summer vacation of the mental kind

We took 2 vacations this summer

We traveled to Las Vegas, it was our first trip to LV and we ate the best food, dined at 5 star restaurants, it's what I wanted, or needed. We saw beautiful things and the entire days belonged to just us, walking the strip, and closing my eyes without feeling alone. It was much needed, the lights were the sunshine, bridges in the street, staircases and escalators connecting from casino to casino.

Another vacation, our favorite city, New Orleans where we spent 8 days, it was heaven walking the streets, and eating. The shops were amazing, all of the herbal candles, oils, natural crystals, haunting majestic energy alive, and cob webs. I was in heaven with the magic of the city, truly engulfed. 

I can see myself living there, waking to crows on the balcony beckoning a breeze, a cup of tea and my mind on nothing at all except a pink sunset with buildings to match the hue of the skies, a happy place, a soft, dark and real place where music comes from the streets and pushes it's way through the windows, over bed sheets bidding me a good night, every night. Let me dream this magic.

Thank you to all who made it a lovely summer holiday for me, moms hospice was great in caring for mom while we were gone, I need more living outside of home. 

Xoxo