Today I gave to myself

Today I gave to myself.  Making pancakes has been a favorite breakfast pastime of mine as of recent.  I enjoy making different combinations of pancakes, they are all delicious and so fun to experiment with.  I enjoy cooking and what I love about it is the way a few simple ingredients can come together and make something so tasty! I prefer using fresh everything...the fresher, the better. I use real butter over margarine, I use coconut oil over vegetable oil, I use grassfed meats over regular meats, I use sea salt over Iodized table salt and I try to use local veggies, if not I opt for the organic store bought ones.  It's easier cooking using fresh, quality ingredients because if all else fails, put salt/pepper, cook, eat and it will be good!

Well, like I said...today I gave to myself.  I made pancakes for everyone, and spent time in my bedroom going through books, and picking 2 to read and finish.  I have a hard time sticking to one book, so I give myself 2 to read at a time.  Aside from reading, I lit candles, did some yoga and made fresh grape juice using organic locals - so cleansing!  Yoga, books, food, candles...oh my!  I feel relaxed, especially since it began pouring rain, blessed.

I had to give myself today because I've had a very tiresome week.  Mom has been ok, but caring for your parent is a mind game.  I wake her up, I fix her meals, I help her shower, I groom her, I do her laundry, I do everything for her as you would a child, as I did for mine, but caring for a child as a family unit with my husband vs. caring for my mother is a different thing because she's an adult who should be independent and self-sufficient, right? But it's not the case here, or with many others.  It's something out of my hands, I didn't ask for this, I didn't willingly volunteer, it was bestowed upon me by nature and I accepted because she's my mother and I love her. I can't go against nature.

I spent yesterday crying in the shower because the day kicked my ass.  Washing mom's hair, and shaving her legs...grooming her all together is a lot to take in. It's hard.  This situation is hard, and I cry, and I stop crying.  I listen to music and I do yoga, I read and cook, I love my family and spend time with them.  I do everything I can do to keep my mental clarity.  You see me, I look relaxed and at peace; I am, but I'm also coping just like anyone else.  I can't help if I have a positive outlook on things and don't get depressed; I just don't.  I'm not a depressed person, I'm quiet, but not sad.  I'm not sad, it's just hard.  It's the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with and live with.  If you see me, or run into me I probably won't ever looked depressed because I'm not depressed, I get the feeling some people want to see a "sad me" they want to see me in tears, or wallowing, they want to hear me complaining, but there's nothing to complain about; I'm happy!  I get myself through, my family gets me through because I love them and never want to live a life of "poor me". I don't need or want sympathy; it's my mom who's sick and not me.
I just need those who know me to understand that  sitting in a cafe or having lunch at the most delicious places sounds nice, but not priority, I no longer think about social events that involve trivial things.  My mind is not focused on trivial things, it is focused on sustaining my mother's health, my family's well being, and my sanity.  I don't have time for giggles and gossip because I'm busy living and the well being of my mother rests in my hands.  I know this is a lot to put on myself, but it's true...there is NO ONE else out there for her.

I can do this. It's almost been 3 years since mom has moved in, over a year since her diagnosis and 8 months since I resigned from my job.  I want to live a selfless life and learn from this experience, I want to grow as a humanitarian and always do for others.  Doing for others is fulfilling.

Trust me, I don't ignore myself, my needs, whatever...I've just come to a point in life where I realized that I don't need much to be happy and that helping people (even if it is MY mom) is self-gratifying.  I do what I can, I tell her that I need time too; I tell her that it's not all about her, I tell her to chill out and breathe when she feels anxious.  She has good days, bad days, and horrible days.  A REALLY good day is far and few in between, so I have to take her good moments and stop what I'm doing to enjoy the life left inside of her.

I can do this.