I don't fit in anywhere and don't care to tbh. I also don't want or need groups of people validating anything in my life; I'm not into surrounding myself with people who will just nod their heads in agreeance because we share likenesses in common, and I don't like labels on anything because we're all just matter and energy...so please stop telling me what I am, spend your energy on worrying about who you are because telling me who I am is insulting, and gives me negative energy, and instead I'd like to focus on feeding myself good things that make me feel good and bring me up.
I've always been good w/ being alone. My family is the only thing I live for, and they let me be alone, they let me be me and love me for it, that's why I usually spend any free time with them, because they make me feel good, and they've always supported every single one of my decisions because they trust and love me. Thank you.
I write this because I'm just getting used to the idea of having a future because you see, I live in the moment...not because carpe diem and shit, but because I don't have any other choice...I live my life wondering day to day if this is the day I will stop being a caregiver to my mother. I'm getting used to the idea of having a future and felt guilty for it...felt guilty for wanting a life outside this box of sickness and care 24/7...a life outside of feeding and changing my mother on this hospital bed sitting stagnant in my home every day of my life with breaks in between to find solace and trying to feel normal. Can you imagine...feeling immense guilt for something that should be every human's basic right? Yes, I felt and feel guilty for living and being happy and having a future without being a caregiver.
I don't know why some of you even follow my story, I guess I'm mere entertainment to some of you, idk, but it's ok, you can't help who you are. it's interesting because I share very personal experiences and pieces of my life as a caregiver, and some of you are here to label me and judge my entire existence on what I chose to share instead of thinking that you one day could see your loved one on a 4-yr death-bed ride... interesting, but it's not in any way wrong, I just honestly think it's interesting to follow a person you share no empathy or similarities with. I suppose that it could be seen as a bit demented in a way to have strangers, people I know well, or people I sort of know to read my story and carry on as if death has no meaning to our lives where in my life it's the exact opposite.
Caring for my mother through all stages of disease has shaped me into a person who doesn't mind sharing her experience and being judged for it, someone who is happy to be looked at and maybe felt sorry for, or maybe mocked...its social media after all. Don't get me wrong, some of you are very supportive in my account of confusion, or sometimes pain and that's great, but what I'm saying is this experience showed me that family leaves, friends don't exist...they either turn into your family or fall into acquaintances, sometimes become strangers, and that's ok too. Another thing is sometimes strangers become more than just that, and the people you least expect to be present for support and understanding are there for you. The only group of people in my world that has a real effect on me are my family. No one else's words, beliefs, hatred, or even admiration feeds me the way my family's unconditional love not only feeds me, but brings me complete joy. They matter the most. My family, through love has made me a better person.
I started this journal so that people can acknowledge those with Dementia and Alzheimer's and recognize that they are still people with needs. As I learned more, I shared, as I gained more experience as a caregiver, I shared.
As I became frightened, angry, emotional...I shared. If you've learned anything at all about this disease from following my personal journey, you are a part of my family in a way because you've been a place for me to be verbally expressive...very cool of you all, even if the place I chose to share my story was social media. No matter who we are where we come from, or what we do...we are all subjects of judgement and ridicule, especially if we ourselves put it out there (even with good intention) and I acknowledge that.
As I became frightened, angry, emotional...I shared. If you've learned anything at all about this disease from following my personal journey, you are a part of my family in a way because you've been a place for me to be verbally expressive...very cool of you all, even if the place I chose to share my story was social media. No matter who we are where we come from, or what we do...we are all subjects of judgement and ridicule, especially if we ourselves put it out there (even with good intention) and I acknowledge that.
Even if you read my fb page, or blog, and never acknowledged me as a person looking for a place to express herself verbally because there wasn't a place in this world that desires, or accepts that type of thing...thanks because I'm happy in a way that I made some people feel uncomfortable and placed them outside their comfort zone while they read about my experiences. I'm happy that I don't fit into anyones' lifestyle, and happy and you saw me as fkd up for writing about my sick mother, and happy some saw me as TOO family oriented, whatever that means...weird, but it was said about me, and well, I can live with it, haha.
I will continue this blog and will create an Instagram account because my life with mom fb page has done its job for me...it served its purpose. Thanks for all your support and feelings, good or bad, it is what it is and has made an impression.
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