Stages...changes. It is what it is.

Keeping a smile

Today I started my morning with bathing mom. She had an accident.

Mom's been having trouble with urinary incontinence these past few weeks.  She has experienced a few accidents, not often, but here and there.  Each time I got up to help her change and clean up, a couple of times it was the middle of the night, other times during a nap.

Each time it has happened, I'm extremely calm and soft spoken with mom and act as if it's not a big deal and something normal so she wouldn't feel embarrassed (she apologizes each time it happens) so I let her know it isn't her fault.

Weird, because it IS normal for someone in her medical state.  Incontinence is something that happens in the latter stages of dementia, however I've scheduled a Doctor's appointment to rule out some factors such as UTI's (Urinary Tract Infections) etc...I happen to think that mom's problem is not being able to reach the bathroom on time because her muscles have weakened and it takes a while for her to get up from her bed, so I decided that we are going to take her mattresses off of the box spring to see if it will make it easier for her to get in and out of bed (I'm sure it will). Hopefully she will have fewer accidents...I really think this is the issue, but we will see.

I've been holding back and haven't really wanted to mention it to people/friends/family the few times they happen to ask about mom, but it's pretty important I share this information with people so they know the reality behind the disease from a caregiver's POV.

Going through this stage with mom is again teaching me about patience and understanding, it's a long road ahead.  I thank God every day for what we have, and ask him for patience, strength and the means to continue supporting our family in the worldly sense.  It isn't easy, but with the love and support of my husband and son, nothing seems impossible.

EV

I thank you...

Thanks to the teachers, bosses and parents who are proud of kindness, respect and dignity.  Thanks to the leaders who encourage happiness and spiritual fulfillment.

Thanks to the people who cherish and understand human adversity, and who are there for you during the bad times as well as good.

Thanks to those who accept and love emotional messes, and to those who empower us to to be honest with ourselves, truthful to the world and not feel guilt or self-loathe when we come across obstacles that would otherwise embarrass us.  Thank you to those humanitarians who care about life above all else and who live by example and who treasure and recognize sacrifice, hard work and growth.

Thank you to the spouses who show love and support to their wives and husbands when things get overbearing in so many ways.  Thank you to the parents, grandparents, spouses and people who have lost anchors in their lives yet still wear a smile; you show true faith; I want that faith...it's contagious.

Thank you for just being you and letting me be me. I might not always be pleasant or "pc" and you might not always agree with me, but still...you let me be without being too judgmental and I thank you for that because I can't help who I am.

Thank you to those who have been honest, who have spoken their mind and disagreed with me and who have put me in my place when needed; we all need to be humbled otherwise what is growth and learning?

Thank you for continued blessings and life lessons.  Thank you for my family and I can't thank you enough for gifting me this amazing role as a parent to my only son; raising him, teaching him, loving and encouraging him has been the most amazing journey for us as a family.  I am grateful and in debt to the world; I'm doing what I can to show how thankful I am, but sometimes it's hard because it's means more when it comes naturally and from the heart, so I hope I am living a life that shows I take little for granted.

Having mom live with us for the past 3 years has taught us a lot and has brought us closer together as a family - we have had our ups and downs and challenging moments, but we have to show that caring for her is our way of saying thank you and is definitely learning experience.

When you deal with a person who's experiencing dementia, you can see where they're struggling with knowledge. You can see what they forget completely, what they forget but they know what they once knew. You can tell how they're trying to remember.
Walter Mosley 

What a difference a Year Makes, Social Media and Me

A Social Media "Selfie"

Hello,

I hope that everyone out there enjoyed the holidays and New Year celebration.  Today is the first day of 2014 and I have a lot to reflect on. A year ago I left my full time job/salary to stay with my mom and care for her (full time) as her dementia was causing her to become more dependent on others.  It was a difficult decision to make for one because we were going to have to learn how to get by with one salary instead of two.  I was making as much money as my husband, so our budget since then has been cut in half and we have gone through our financial ups/downs and still continue to do so.  That being said, none of that has broken us, in fact it has brought us closer together as a husband and wife and as a family in entirety.

Every day I wake up with a roof over my head is a blessing to me and is something I don't take for granted. I can get into specifics about how drastic our lives have changed, but doing so won't ever paint a clear enough picture for those of you who've never left a job to care for a sick parent (or loved one) so I'll spare the details and allow you to utilize your own imagination.

Those of you who keep up with my  blog and face book page are familiar with our hardships.  Our hardships centralize around mom being sick and because there's a domino effect of quitting a full time job and caring for a parent...there are ups and downs, but in my opinion more ups then downs, but probably because of the attitude that I wish to have during all of this.  All of these "hardships" have become lessons and those learned lessons have conditioned my personality and way of thinking in this last year; I have changed along with the adjustments we have made as a family.  My husband, my son...myself, we have all made big sacrifices for her care. My brothers and sisters, mom's sisters - they are all there for us emotionally and more importantly there for mom when she needs them.

I know that family is the most important life force; I know that above all else in this world, my son and husband matter most; I know that not even mom's illness or needs should ever come before those of my own child and the universe has to respect that.  That being said, my son is now an adult, he was 15 years old when my mother first moved in with us and even that had an effect on him, but probably in a way you wouldn't imagine.  He's grown even more compassionate and responsible than I ever thought and has been a big help; my husband and I are aware of this and the most we can give him is our full respect, trust, love and time.                                                                                                                                                      

All of these "hardships" have become a reality that we live day to day and the updates and photos I chose to share on social media are all real.  I'm not trying to appear dismayed, confused or even trying to look happy and blessed.  I am all those things and more because I'm human...I can't "try" because "trying" isn't "doing" and I am doing...not trying.  I am what I am, and I don't fake things or cover them up with stupid fkn rainbows and fake laughter.  If I smile, I'm happy - you can't tell me to smile when I'm having a bad day because there won't be one, I physically can't smile if I am being told to smile, I am happy when I am and if I am smiling in photos, I am happy.  Easy.

I rarely focus on the negative...I'm just not built that way, so a very bad situation to the average person can seem life a breath of air for me because I truly feel that my family and I will be taken care of.  I can't help it; I suppose I have faith and don't realize it.  I do, I have faith...an abundance of faith and I believe that it's the faith that makes me strong and it's my perspective on life that gives me the ability to remain strong with faith. If things aren't going "right"I sort of laugh because there is not one direction a life or a family's life should have to go towards in order to be the "quintessential happy family"or "normal" family. There are no rules of "good, bad, happy, sad, right, wrong, positive, negative" there are many perspectives to those things.  I don't care about society's rules or your rules...I don't care what you think a happy or normal family should or shouldn't be; I don't care what you think I should dress like, speak like, act like because I am happy being who I am and having what I have and making the most of our situation no matter how you see us.

I am broken, I am fixed; I am complex, I am simple.  I am misunderstood, I am empathized with.  I can chose to feel sorry for myself, but instead I feel happy and proud of myself because when I take a look at my family and what we have...what we have built together and worked for I feel gratified; I feel blessed, as if I'm the richest person in the world and nothing can break that.

So to anyone out there who thinks I am painting a one-sided picture of my reality on social media...you must not understand what it's like to be strong or just genuinely happy.                                                                

EV