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| What am I to You? |
Each time mom has a scheduled doctor's appointment I get nervous. Doctor visits are not an in and out procedure, sometimes we can be at a clinic for hours...this is hard. If I go out with mom, I make sure to pack her a sweater, water, her meds (just in case), some snacks and some tissue. For my enjoyment, my phone is good enough, that and maybe some coffee.
When we're at clinics, I look around and all I see are other people...I never see myself. I do not know what I look like, I'm not familiar with who I am and what I'm doing...I don't see myself as a caregiver for my mother...I don't know what I must look like to people, I don't know how I'm perceived. I know I'm me, but to others, that's simply not enough. Because I look a certain way, I am perceived that same way.
No one believes me when I tell them I have an 18 yo son in college and have been married for 20 yrs and when they ask what I "do" another disbelief...wow...so you don't work? You take care of your mom...how old is she, what's wrong with her? Wow, you're so young. The questions don't stop and you know, it is rather annoying and you know what...I AM young, I never thought I'd be caring for my mom at this point in my life.
Anyway, I find most people annoying rather than sincere. I know the average person doesn't care, they are just being friendly and considerate. That's fine, just shut up though and let me continue to Instagram and Tweet instead of standing in front of you bored to death playing 20 questions on my life that you suddenly have huge interest in. Who am I to you anyway? Just leave me alone.
You see...when my mom became sick and I quit my job to care for her, I remained the same person, just maybe sadder at times, stronger at others...confused, but also more acute and my realist view became more harsh. I became aware of my surroundings and listened to my intuition when it came to people because I had absolutely no time to waste on anything trivial anymore. I quit my job job to care for mom, I moved her in with me and my family...she requires 24/7 looking after and care, so she comes first in our lives. Wow. My time became precious, it became gold...it IS gold and wasting it would be foolish. I shut some people out because our relationships were just based on bullshit and some people shut me out because in their feeble minds they did not know how to face me...in their self-absorbed lives I was a stranger. People either felt "sorry" for me, or treated me as if I had the plague. Good. I'm glad I was able to see people for who they truly were (are). I no longer have a reason to stomach people's bullshit since I do not answer to anyone and don't represent anyone except myself...no job or job title is conjoining us. I'm me...REALLY me and you are "worldly you".
Funny, but I think I have found myself....I might come across as bitter, but in actuality I'm coming from a very real place and those places can sometimes scare people, I get that, but I also get this: life IS about helping people, it's about helping others and finding out who you are when you're putting others needs before your own needs. You see, my needs are nothing compared to that of someone who is starving or disabled. My needs are nothing compared to han innocent child's needs who might be in danger. Needs are not being able to "fulfill careers, explore hobbies", etc...Needs are not having the ability to eat, shower, sleep (on your own), and I see that my mothers needs are more important than mine at the moment so the thing to do is to put my "worldly" self on hold and search for my spiritual self and live life according to that.
I thank my true friends and value those I might not be friends with, but have reached out to me on sincere levels of understanding. Please know that I know, this is not the end of life as we know it. I know me taking care of mom isn't a life sentence...but it is a life lesson that some of y'all will NEVER experience, so in that retrospect I'm wiser than you ever will be (well, in some ways) because I have had to find strength in the oddest places, find peace in chaos, find understanding in frivolous things and have had to adjust (with my husband and son) to a budget that most people would argue and bicker over, but instead we've become closer.
It is what it is. At least I truly know the meaning of the word sacrifice...what parents do for their children is not real sacrifice, it's a testament of life, you chose to have children...there should be no option for you as a parent when you have a child...you had them, YOU care for them, you're not a hero, you're a parent. What children do for their parents is truly sacrifice because we have no moral, or societal judgments cast upon us. We live in a society where It's completely normal and acceptable to put our parents in homes or ignore their needs when their lives begin to deteriorate, but society still has standards on parents...you have children, society expects you to raise and care for them yourself. So the true sacrifice in life, or in our society is someone placing their lives and time on hold to care for someone in which society has no regards. So strange. Do I think I'm special? Definitely not...do some regard me in that way...absolutely, but that's them seeing from the outside in and I appreciate that sentiment although don't whole-heartedly agree. I must look like some sort of savior caring for my sick mom, giving up my career and saying goodbye to that annual 40-grand income. It was hard, but the same way society views the responsibility of a parent to a child, I view it vice versa so to me, this is the norm and the norm is a rough and rocky unlit, dark and dreary road surrounded but the more you travel, you see that you're surrounded blue skies, sunshine and inner happiness...it might look scary at first, but it later transpires into goodness, faith, peace, life, hardship and memories. I am built of good and bad and that's how I see me - just a girl who cares a whole lot about her family and by a little soul searching seeing life through the eyes of those who are in need...that is how I see me. How you see me...well, that really doesn't matter, but I know that I took the road less traveled and because of that, I have seen a righteous life of self-acceptance.
All for now. Thx for reading.
