Don't tear me down

Having a day out with mom

When you chose to give up a part of your life so another can simply live, you see yourself differently.  For example, I look at myself and reflect daily when I wake mom up to rub her neck, or massage her shoulders because her scoliosis sometimes leaves her a bit immobile and stiff.  I reflect as I'm reading the side effects of my mom's medications, and researching Dementia and its affects on family while online.  I often pause when I'm bathing my own mother, or cutting up her french toast.  When I'm exercising with mom, I take a moment and say I am grateful.  I see myself differently.  She's not my child...she's my mother.  She's not my "responsibility" I chose to make it that way and see it that way, so it's a choice I am living with, making the most of and seeing the good in.

I never thought I'd be doing this after my son turned 18 because in hindsight, he is our only child and him turning 18, graduating high school I felt that we did our jobs as parents raising him and would now be there to support him during his adulthood.

Well, things happen and according to life, I am not done caring for another life.  This is brand new to me, as it is for most caregivers - it's a wake up call, the biggest reality check known to man, a slap in the face to wake up and live life with your eyes wide open.  Having this responsibility on myself and my family has definitely made me a stronger person and has given me self confidence because I have to remain confident in caring for mom.  I have to believe in myself and know I'm making the right choices in life, that I'm making a good decision for my family and I.  With all that on my shoulders, there are still people out there wanting me to fail and crumble, but it's just not in my nature to break down and lose it.  The harder you throw the ball at me, the more eloquent way I'll figure out a way to catch it without getting hurt.

Some people feel they are better than others because of their thoughts, beliefs and actions and show that by judging others although they claim they are just trying to help. If it was out of help and concern, why would I end up feeling horrible afterwards?  Helping one another should leave a good trusting feeling.

In my life,  I haven't felt that I was better than anyone, but always did things to measure myself to those who felt they were better than me.  As a grown woman with a family and responsibilities, I have learned that no one knows another's life and that as people, we need to be here to support one another instead of intentionally trying to find ways to tear one another apart. I have also learned that the only person I need to measure up to, is the person I promised myself I would be to my family.  I'm still working on it and whomever or whatever you feel I should be makes absolutely no difference to me; I'm just trying to get through life being me and taking care of my responsibilities the only way I know.  This is what I know, and I if you wish to judge me; please continue to do so silently as a coward would.

I am not a hero or a saint - I'm a humanitarian lending a helping hand - I keep a blog as a part of my healing process and as a way to cope.  This blog believe it or not, helps brings awareness to my mom's disease and it's written through MY perspective much like a diary.  I try to quote citations and articles as much as I can to back up what we experience in my home as caregivers and what mom goes through as having Dementia.  Take it with a grain of salt - it's not meant to offend anyone, but I will not censor my healing process; this is one of the only ways of me expressing myself.

Thanks for reading - it's greatly appreciated.  Please share thoughts!