Things might be ok

Mom and her coffee

Sometimes when I'm home with mom I think things are ok because she has no complaints, is eating her food, is doing her stretches, taking her naps, etc...but in hind-site, they really aren't as ok as I'd like them to be.  Yes, she's doing everything she's supposed to be doing but for instance, this happened this morning:  I did yoga with mom, made her breakfast, gave her meds and helped her fold laundry.  Mom was in her room while I went out back to water the plants and sit by the pool with the dogs.  When I came back inside I went to check on mom and on the outside, all appeared fine, but when I asked her if she was ok I realized that she wasn't really "ok".  Mom said "I'm awake and ready to eat breakfast".  Instead of telling mom I already fed her breakfast, I got her a small piece of cake I baked with a glass of almond milk, I've learned to not let dementia patients know they are wrong, instead we have to either go with their reality (if it's harmless to them) or change the subject so they are focused on something else.  In this case, I went with her reality and she really enjoyed that small piece of cake!

My point is this: we only know what we ask and want to know.  For my "happiness", it would have been better if I left mom in her room watching her show, but for my knowledge, I have to know these things.  I have to know and realize that mom forgets things, and not just little things, but major things and will keep forgetting them and eventually will have a deteriorated memory where she won't be able to recognize our names/faces.  Ignorance may be bliss, but I still chose to know the reality of a situation.

I have to face these things, however I really do prefer to live life day to day and not "worry" about the future. I don't think I'd be able to care for mom full time if I was constantly worrying, making myself sad/depressed. I am aware that I will soon have to face these moments with mom and family, however for my well-being I chose to live life in the present and face daily struggles rather than long-term events that may, or may not necessarily occur in a fashion in which my mind is imagining - I can't foretell the future