Wounded

It's not easy opening up and sharing my experiences with you, but I appreciate your readership through and through. Each day I think about me, my family, my mom and wonder different things. I think of the past, and what has gotten me here, I think of the what ifs, I think of lots of things, always including mom's health, firstly and lately have been trying to detach myself from her.

After moms initial fall, I became so attached to her because I was so worried about her taking another fall, low and behold she did because of a careless mistake from my provider at the time, ugh...it irks the f**k out of me! My mom is bed ridden because of that fall! More complications have occurred because of that fall! She has changed because of that fall! I have changed! I'm trying to rid of this anger I have festering inside me...it's tough, but I have my moments of peacefulness that I try desperately holding on to...I try and try...I  want peace.

Mom is not well, so please stop asking me how mom is...she is not well, I'm trying to be well, strong, happy, and be myself. I don't know...I'm trying to be myself, and I find that at this moment in my life, being myself is the most difficult task ever.

If you break it down I care for my mother around the clock, I change her last diaper at 10 pm, cover her with the 2nd comforter and give her water at 11pm, so after 11pm is time I get to truly take for myself (God willing). I have a provider for just 4 hrs a day, a lot of times I'm home, so I still do things for mom, help change her, visit with the cna's and nurses for updates, calling her insurance, trying to find more help, dealing with her changes, just a lot of stuff. I have mom 20 hrs a day 7 days a week.

The toughest part of the day for me is when I have to change mom and change mom's wound dressing. She has a pressure ulcer that is tunneling on her back side, I dare you to google image it. I have to see this daily, I look at it, and dress it daily...it's horrible, I have dreams of it...I can't get it out of my mind. I want a break from it. I don't want to see mom's wound, please...I dont! I hate seeing it, it hurts me, freightens me and makes me nervous. This is one thing I deal with daily.  Please, I wish I didn't  have to see this.

Other things...feeding mom, I make her juven twice a day, a fresh juice, and either a smoothie, or  prune juice. Aside from this, I feed her twice...I'm always busy with mom, please don't ask how my mom is....she is not good. How am I? I have no idea...I truly don't, I'm alive nursing mom, trying to detach myself, trying to spend time with my family that I so deserve, and they deserve.

The ending stages of this disease is a horrible, scary, sad thing. I don't know, hard to talk about the good it brings. I see my mom day after day, hour after hour deteriorating....I'm by her side, feeding her, changing her, nursing her, and much more...im witnessing it to the minute...I've had years of this. It's never easy. I'm wounded.