Got 300 hits on my blog since last night, thanks for that. I try to be upfront and honest, and not take my readers on a bullshit roller-coaster ride and I hope you can appreciate my honesty.
I swear there is never a dull day in my life, although there are days that I wish were filled with nothing because I need days off too. People don't seem to realize that what I do is far beyond a full time job, this is someone's life, health, and well being on the line,that someone being my mom. The scope of all this is very real.
Mom had all the nurses laughing at her doctors appointment today. I took her in for an eye infection, but ended up getting several other tests done so an hour appointment turned into a 3-hour venture and my back is killing me from standing practically the entire time because mom wouldn't sit still, or while the nurses and doctor were giving her exams, etc it was me who'd dress/undress, shoes on/off, hold her still...all that. All those things you do with your 20 pound child including taking them to the RR and checking her diaper, giving her snacks, etc...I get to to with my 100 pound mother and it isn't easy.
So aside from my exhaustion, mom had the nurses laughing. She asked the main nurse if she even had a diploma, and said she didn't know what she was doing...she said some pretty off the wall stuff, but mom was tired and frustrated as well because she had no idea what was going on, at least we had a laugh.
During our visit, the doctor suggested I take a depression test, she said I didn't look like myself, and looked worn down. I told her that I was and she took some time to sit and talk to me about what I go through as mom's primary caregiver. I was a little shocked, had no idea that I was physically portraying on the outside what I've been feeling on the inside, I guess with her expertise it was easy to detect. :(
I also had a conversation with the doctor about mom, her weight, her eating and how far she's declined. The doctor said she will eventually need to be on a feeding tube, maybe sooner than later, and hearing this reality this caused a lot of anger, pain, fear inside of me.
I'm afraid. No one seems to realize how fast she's declining, and how serious it is, and how hard it is for me, for us...just how hard it is. No one gives a fuck and that's not ok anymore.
People are selfish and I'm disgusted by it.
Monday, August 25, 2014
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Life goes on
It's been a while since I've had an update. I temporarily closed my main fb account because I needed a break from all of the fake happiness posts, and drama that people enjoy getting into although they say otherwise, lol...so annoying, not to mention all the cry baby crap and complaining...I can't believe people get so bent out of shape over a stupid broken phone, or lost keys...it's laughable, and I feel sorry for people like that, they seem soulless to me. Anyway, my Life with Mom fb page is still open and I try to update as much as I can without coming across as being depressed, or bitter.
Yes, everything I post is through my perspective and through my personal experience spent with my mom as her primary caregiver, my husband is her secondary caregiver and NO we DON'T get paid for this, are you fucking kidding me?! I can't believe how ignorant some people are, caregivers don't get paid...so ridiculous.
So yes, some of my posts might seem as if I'm depressed because I don't sugar coat situations, I do however hold back on ALOT of what I go through as a wife and mother, and even as a daughter, it's sad, but real...very real, and I try to share as much as I humanly can without putting all of me out there on a platform but you see, I have to learn from this situation, this is a life experience and if I don't learn from it, or educate others in the process, I feel uninspired and as if I'm letting mom down, and when I'm uninspired, I just might break.
I don't know, it's hard to explain. I do the best that I can with what and who I have. My hubby is my best support, he's quite amazing. His support has been a true testament to our 20 years of marriage. No one knows what we go through as parents, and as a married couple, or as a family; it takes a toll. It hurts deep when you have no one to turn to, or count on for any type of support, so when I mention my husband, I mention him with the utmost respect because it's MY mom, yet he helps and sacrifices so so so so so so much and more and he is the one I turn to, and depend on..
I just need to say that if you've never taken care of a sick elderly parent who can do anything for themselves, and who depend on you for food, water, showers, sitting, standing, eating, changing, grooming, lavatory assistance, and more including nursing them when sick and taking them to doctor's appointments all 7 days a week and you still have room in your heart to judge that person who does all of those things, I feel very sorry for you. I don't know how people can be so silly and ignorant, I don't know how highly judgmental people even function in our world, I mean...worry about yourself, judgmental people are weak, insecure people and I want nothing to do with them, (and neither should you); I need all the positivity I can get, because I am surrounded by my mom's sickness and inabilities 24/7 - it dulls me on the inside and hardens me, it doesn't make me soft, or weak, it turns me tougher...but there's a piece of me that won't ever give in to the toughness, a small piece that wears so thin, and that's afraid and that often feels lost and alone, but those are my emotions, no one will ever get me on that level...This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. No more to say, until next time. Life goes on, I guess.
Yes, everything I post is through my perspective and through my personal experience spent with my mom as her primary caregiver, my husband is her secondary caregiver and NO we DON'T get paid for this, are you fucking kidding me?! I can't believe how ignorant some people are, caregivers don't get paid...so ridiculous.
So yes, some of my posts might seem as if I'm depressed because I don't sugar coat situations, I do however hold back on ALOT of what I go through as a wife and mother, and even as a daughter, it's sad, but real...very real, and I try to share as much as I humanly can without putting all of me out there on a platform but you see, I have to learn from this situation, this is a life experience and if I don't learn from it, or educate others in the process, I feel uninspired and as if I'm letting mom down, and when I'm uninspired, I just might break.
I don't know, it's hard to explain. I do the best that I can with what and who I have. My hubby is my best support, he's quite amazing. His support has been a true testament to our 20 years of marriage. No one knows what we go through as parents, and as a married couple, or as a family; it takes a toll. It hurts deep when you have no one to turn to, or count on for any type of support, so when I mention my husband, I mention him with the utmost respect because it's MY mom, yet he helps and sacrifices so so so so so so much and more and he is the one I turn to, and depend on..
I just need to say that if you've never taken care of a sick elderly parent who can do anything for themselves, and who depend on you for food, water, showers, sitting, standing, eating, changing, grooming, lavatory assistance, and more including nursing them when sick and taking them to doctor's appointments all 7 days a week and you still have room in your heart to judge that person who does all of those things, I feel very sorry for you. I don't know how people can be so silly and ignorant, I don't know how highly judgmental people even function in our world, I mean...worry about yourself, judgmental people are weak, insecure people and I want nothing to do with them, (and neither should you); I need all the positivity I can get, because I am surrounded by my mom's sickness and inabilities 24/7 - it dulls me on the inside and hardens me, it doesn't make me soft, or weak, it turns me tougher...but there's a piece of me that won't ever give in to the toughness, a small piece that wears so thin, and that's afraid and that often feels lost and alone, but those are my emotions, no one will ever get me on that level...This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. No more to say, until next time. Life goes on, I guess.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Today
Picked green peppers from our back yard and made a veggie omelette for breakfast. Summer is almost coming to an end, looking forward to the fall, but I'll miss Robert as he goes back to teaching, and Moses as he's back to his full time schedule with work and school.
After breakfast, hubby and I went to see a 3D movie at the Bistro, it was good...I laughed a lot, and we shared some nachos. It was fun.
Moses spent the entire morning, and afternoon trying to renew his lost license, this should be a lesson the be extra careful when it comes to these things; he was at the dmv for 4 hours, but had to leave to be at work on time so he will have to go back on Monday. It's part of growing up I guess.
Made mom a sandwich and some cucumber juice for lunch while Robert spent time with the dogs. After mom finished her lunch, she took a nap and I laid down to do some reading by the window in my bedroom. It's been hot lately in the 100's, but the day light is perfect for reading. I can't read by artificial light, I've tried and it's too distracting, gives me headaches. Robert will often find me reading in the dark, a dim lamp is ok, but overhead light messes with me.
Mom got up from an hour nap and was hungry again, I gave her some homemade yogurt with honey and we did a little yoga; she complained as usual. Yoga and exercises are getting harder for her, she has pretty bad balance, is snarky, and has trouble moving around in general.
Some good friends gave us some gift certificates to some restaurants so we all had take out from Santa Fe Steakhouse for dinner; they have the best calamari and I opened a bottle of champagne, we finished that and sat down to watch a movie. Mom was not in the best mood so I was dealing with her confusion, she wouldn't stop asking us the same questions and started pacing so we turned off the movie while I took a walk with her, helped her in the restroom then put her in bed to watch tv for an hour, before I put her diaper on her then falls asleep.
I hope mom stays in bed tonight; I'm pretty tired myself. The rest of our evening will be spent sitting by the pool then a movie in bed if all is well, but you never know. Goodnight friends.
After breakfast, hubby and I went to see a 3D movie at the Bistro, it was good...I laughed a lot, and we shared some nachos. It was fun.
Moses spent the entire morning, and afternoon trying to renew his lost license, this should be a lesson the be extra careful when it comes to these things; he was at the dmv for 4 hours, but had to leave to be at work on time so he will have to go back on Monday. It's part of growing up I guess.
Made mom a sandwich and some cucumber juice for lunch while Robert spent time with the dogs. After mom finished her lunch, she took a nap and I laid down to do some reading by the window in my bedroom. It's been hot lately in the 100's, but the day light is perfect for reading. I can't read by artificial light, I've tried and it's too distracting, gives me headaches. Robert will often find me reading in the dark, a dim lamp is ok, but overhead light messes with me.
Mom got up from an hour nap and was hungry again, I gave her some homemade yogurt with honey and we did a little yoga; she complained as usual. Yoga and exercises are getting harder for her, she has pretty bad balance, is snarky, and has trouble moving around in general.
Some good friends gave us some gift certificates to some restaurants so we all had take out from Santa Fe Steakhouse for dinner; they have the best calamari and I opened a bottle of champagne, we finished that and sat down to watch a movie. Mom was not in the best mood so I was dealing with her confusion, she wouldn't stop asking us the same questions and started pacing so we turned off the movie while I took a walk with her, helped her in the restroom then put her in bed to watch tv for an hour, before I put her diaper on her then falls asleep.
I hope mom stays in bed tonight; I'm pretty tired myself. The rest of our evening will be spent sitting by the pool then a movie in bed if all is well, but you never know. Goodnight friends.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)