A feeding tube?

Got 300 hits on my blog since last night, thanks for that. I try to be upfront and honest, and not take my readers on a bullshit roller-coaster ride and I hope you can appreciate my honesty.

I swear there is never a dull day in my life, although there are days that I wish were filled with nothing because I need days off too. People don't seem to realize that what I do is far beyond a full time job, this is someone's life, health, and well being on the line,that someone being my mom. The scope of all this is very real.

Mom had all the nurses laughing at her doctors appointment today. I took her in for an eye infection, but ended up getting several other tests done so an hour appointment turned into a 3-hour venture and my back is killing me from standing practically the entire time because mom wouldn't sit still, or while the nurses and doctor were giving her exams, etc it was me who'd dress/undress, shoes on/off, hold her still...all that. All those things you do with your 20 pound child including taking them to the RR and checking her diaper, giving her snacks, etc...I get to to with my 100 pound mother and it isn't easy.

So aside from my exhaustion, mom had the nurses laughing. She asked the main nurse if she even had a diploma, and said she didn't know what she was doing...she said some pretty off the wall stuff, but mom was tired and frustrated as well because she had no idea what was going on, at least we had a laugh.

During our visit, the doctor suggested I take a depression test, she said I didn't look like myself, and looked worn down. I told her that I was and she took some time to sit and talk to me about what I go through as mom's primary caregiver. I was a little shocked, had no idea that I was physically portraying on the outside what I've been feeling on the inside, I guess with her expertise it was easy to detect. :(

I also had a conversation with the doctor about mom, her weight, her eating and how far she's declined. The doctor said she will eventually need to be on a feeding tube, maybe sooner than later, and hearing this reality this caused a lot of anger, pain, fear inside of me.

I'm afraid. No one seems to realize how fast she's declining, and how serious it is, and how hard it is for me, for us...just how hard it is. No one gives a fuck and that's not ok anymore.

People are selfish and I'm disgusted by it.