I didn't know what to think, mom was still young! Months before she moved in with me she was biking miles and running races; she was physically active, fit, lived on her own, cooked her own meals, had friends and managed her own finances.
Little did I realize that mom's responsibilities would eventually turn into my responsibilities. Little by little her ability to pay bills, or do anything at all just dwindled. Mom could no longer cook a meal, she couldn't do a load of laundry or write a letter and mail it out if she needed. Mom carried a blankness in her eyes and a causticness in her soul; I was worried for her.
As her oldest daughter I felt the need to find her help. With no help available, I had make a decision to leave my job and act as her caregiver so knowing there was no other option, I resigned from a job that I both needed and wanted. I said goodbye to a salary, to years of hard work and independence.
After realizing I was leaving my job to care for my mother full-time, reality set in along with the tears, but never on anyone's shoulder; it was a lonely cry, a bitter coldness; I felt alone. I cried behind closed doors, at my desk, in my car; I constantly cried when I was alone, it was my only comfort; I cried when someone asked me why I was leaving my job, or what was wrong with my mother. I tried not to cry, but at this point it was uncontrollable, especially knowing that there is no cure for dementia.
It's been 7 months since I've left my job, and there has been a lot of changes from day 1 to now. Doctors had mom on several medications and dealing with the side effects was a scary thing! Delusions are not fun, I describe them as day terrors. I thought these imaginary happenings and people mom was dealing with and experiencing were all a part of the mental deterioration of her disease, but after researching the meds, it turned out to be side effects and since then has been under control for the most part. Thank god!
I said good bye to a lot of things, and day to day am realizing just how much I've said goodbye to. In the big picture it's all been worth it although I still cry on some days, but sadly not realizing why I'm crying. Am I crying because my mother is completely dependent on me, am I crying because mom has limited time and I'm dreading the last stages of her disease, and I crying out of fear, and loneliness? I don't know, but there are some moments when crying is my only gateway to a clear mind so I just let myself. Shedding a few tears is worth the quality of life she has been given by my family. Where would I be without them?
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| Smile Momma! I love you! |
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