A lot of people ask me what Dementia is, and I usually quote pieces of text-book definitions, but I also try to explain what it's like from my perspective. I find myself describing what mom is going through using this comparison: Imagine turning on a light switch, and the bulb is constantly flickering. It's on, dull, bright at times...muted. Well, that's the best way I can describe what mom's brain is experiencing. It's not a beautiful thing, it's not illuminating...it's cloudy and blurred. If I have patience I can strain my eyes and focus and see the tenderness in her...the brightness, but mostly she's humdrum.
I try not to make her disease affect my liveliness because I want to be a strong, caring nucleus for my family, but because she's my mother her pain and confusion is often put on me because I am no longer my mother's daughter...mom now looks to me as a mother-figure or parent; she seeks my permission and approval for some things. I can't leave mom alone, I need a sitter and I don't have a sitter. I can't always, and to be honest don't always want to take mom along with me to run errands, or to go shopping, or to pick something up, because a small outing becomes a cluster-fuck for mom, and I'm not over exaggerating. During an outing mom can forget where she is, can forget who I am and wonder where we're going and wonder where "I'm taking her" then a fun time, or just a simple time becomes a mind fuck for me. Not to mention mom has trouble walking, and getting in/out of vehicles. Mom has arthritis in her feet and also has "Runners Feet" so walking has to be limited. If I take mom somewhere with me, it is pre-planned. There is no just getting up and going, it's a process.
That's enough for tonight, I have a lot on my mind and instead of continuing to write, I'm going to do some yoga.
Night All.
EV
No comments:
Post a Comment